Breaking in place

A couple of days ago, a friend and I were sitting in a coffee shop, skipping class to study for a final. In between note-reading, I found myself looking out the window, watching a girl dressed in cute clothes; she was trotting along, laughing with friends and looked genuinely, deeply happy. I looked down at my 3XL men's sweatshirt, my two sizes too big jeans and considered my bare face and scraped-back hair. While I know that comparisons are never a good idea (for all I know the girl has more problems than I could even dream of) I couldn't help but feel a pang of envy and sadness. I found myself saying aloud, "I want my life back."

Sometimes it's really hard to know that Rob and I are spending the largest chunk of our twenties living in extreme poverty, in a town we hate, working towards second (science and engineering) degrees so that we can, hopefully, one day have comfort and security. While our friends spend their weekends on fun road trips or out shopping, we spend our weekends studying, without fail. College professors are emotionally abusive and most students are not only highly competitive, but genuinely mean. With students around me who are now a good six years my junior, it is hard to take the "college environment" seriously. I feel exhausted beyond description and more burned out than I knew was even possible. Signing up to become a scientist is serious business. There is nothing fun, light-hearted or easy about it.

I know that someday we will look back on this time as a dark point. But each day is more of a struggle. We got bad news about some family last night and it was just one more thing. I don't talk about my personal health stuff online, but needless to say, it's been a hell of a few years in that respect, too.

Still, when they say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"... they are right. We're doing it. It will be a reality and then life will go on and these dark hours will be a dim memory. I will regain control of my body, my time. Basically, I will someday have personal freedom again. In the meantime, I guess I should hit the books. Some light reading in preparation for finals tonight: lipid chemistry. Hah.

Last summer.